I'm a mean man

It seems that I have upset somebody close to me by betraying his trust. Or, at least that's what I assume the issue is. From what I can tell through my rather limited experience, whenever spending time with somebody for long enough, indiscretions will invariably happen. These are often easily brushed aside into a corner to be forgotten. Yet eventually these images congeal to create a smoldering heap. Given sufficient time, the stench will become hard to ignore. You will see this compost and learn to hate it. Then you may place it upon the mantle of the person you once adored and view them for the filth they are. Or are covered with.

Is this person really that different then they ever were? Not likely, but do you even care?

When this person who has existed is compared to a blank slate, all that can be seen is the flaws that time has marked them with. The amount of filth that you have helped craft laid upon their veneer. A hideous reflection of scars and, more importantly, the picture of yourself seen through their eyes.

But your eyes also convey the same unhappiness. You've said with your whole being that which is most harmful to an individual. "I see you, I've known you, and now I don't want to anymore."

Look what both of you have done.

Urgh

I just saw myself through someone else's eyes. This is always an interesting experience and occasionally a sobering one. Recently a friend of mine analyzed me with such fervor that it deeply offended me as a person. He said that I must be insecure because of my constant attempts to be in control.

This was related to improvisational comedy and attempting to lead groups. I don't know, I've been put in leadership positions an increasingly large amount of the time in my life. When I am adamant about something, I am sometimes frustrated by others not sharing the same zest. I can't expect to change people, but I do try my hardest to include everyone and push the ideas of all of my friends. Though I have never attempted to bring someone into a situation I thought would be inconsistent with their goals or desires. I try to build relationships and want to be seen as a peer that helps to keep the dream possible. Though every attempt to which I do it seems to be easy to ridicule.

Also, I was strictly criticized for my artistic ability and what is seen as a lack of effort on my part. This dissidence is odd, as I am trying to lead a group, all the while jeopardizing their work through my inability to consistently offer quality goods. Remedial lectures by respected peers and mentors, when occurring in a consistent order, can lead to self doubt about personal ability. This, compiled with a not completely unfounded protest to my personality, is very disappointing. I've never meant to hurt or stifle anybody, and finding out that I am doing exactly that fills me with a deep dissatisfaction.

*sigh* I do my best.

may I point out!

a bunch of the stuff I have written is hypocritical

What is sucsess?

So we are all attempting to succeed. What does that mean? Do we want to be rich, happy, the best, loved?

Yeah, actually we probably want to be all of those things. Unfortunately, all of those objectives work against each other. With the exception of being rich. Which is just hard to do but likely not worth it.

I would like to be famous and loved, but there will always be greener fields. There will always be someone instantly better at something that I have tried years to master. My happiness will fade, love will too. There is not one thing I can hold onto and take solace of as being my own. I am, ultimately, the master of nothing.

This is a hard turd to swallow. I don't even fully believe it. Even though I know it's true. This world is full of sorrow. We are born into a world that we must leave, we bring nothing in at our birth and carry nothing with us beyond our death. the accomplishments of my life amount to nothing more that a hill of mud. I might have a really big hill, but its effing mud so its going to erode back into the puddle it came from. Somebody will come along and make a new hill, maybe even directly on top of mine. Not knowing that I had lived, or carrying that I have died.

So why try. All glory/love/happiness is fleeting. Why have a moral code in a world that doesn't demand it and is impartial to its existence. The irrationality is the part that is utterly beautiful in the matter. The fact that the pursuit of any internal strata of goals is so unnecessary and loosely encouraged just lends to its aura. Through applying it maybe others will feel that there burdens are less heavy, and everyone can partake in the ruse that is immortality. Maybe better described as eternity. We live to help ourselves and others feel the rapture at the success. Making that mud hill as high as you can. Its still pretty cool to make a really big hill of mud.

but that is all it's made of. And there's a bigger mud hill across the swamp

Because Why Shouldn't I...

Talk about Michael Jackson too.

All I have to say is that the way you treat a person and talk about them when they are alive should not change when they die. I certainly think Michael Jackson would have benefited with this outpouring of generous wishes when he was alive. However, everyone would rather appreciate him when hes dead... when everyone else on earth has also decided to respect him. This form of praise carries no form of self sacrifice and is not for the departed, its for you alone. So that you can keep up the delusion of charity and take part in the misery of others.

This is of course not in reference to everyone, but it defiantly is aimed towards most people.

This Doesn't Make Sense

I walked up the hill and gazed down at the archaeological site. Through the rubble and the distance I could see the oddly dilapidated home my family was staying at. Did I get up here with a car that I jumped in the video game grand theft auto?

This was a dream

Being nerveous sucks

You better believe it title!

Why is it that something I've practiced for so long is still so difficult, and why don't I feel like I've gotten that much better? I guess we are all worried about whether we can be one of the successful ones in our field and not retreat back to the mediocrity from once we came.

Also, in a realm where confidence is what sustains and makes excellent work, why is it so hard to maintain that confidence? Logically it is preferred, but I guess our emotions seldom are in line with logic.